[Humor] Cringes for 2015

Tim Kehres tim at kehres.com
Thu Apr 9 23:49:46 HKT 2015


*The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a 
vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.*

*I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I 
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a 
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
*
*I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!*


*My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to 
our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get 
one cheaper off the web.*

*I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check 
her balance, so I pushed her over.*

*I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.*

*I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC/AA van. The driver 
was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to 
myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.*

*Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.*

*My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe 
that, 2:30am?!*
*Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.*

*Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .."Blow that" says 
Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"*

*My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my 
girlfriend yet.*

*I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get 
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she 
would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."*

*The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the 
worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.*

*Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London ..
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.*

*Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and 
stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on 
her forehead and realised she was just on standby.*

*The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table 
when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no 
reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
*
*When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they 
wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft
if they knew the pilot was a woman.
*
*What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse 
the thing!
*
*Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six 
people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be 
following some kind of pattern.*

*Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat 
it!*

*A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and 
when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry 
and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and 
says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have 
their pick nicked."
*
*Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
*
*"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick eejit !"*

*Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the 
head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.*

*19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."*
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    <font size="3"><b>The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat
        him off with a vacuum cleaner.<br>
        Talk about Dyson with death.</b><br>
      <br>
      <b>I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a
        grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking
        about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking
        about with it.<br>
      </b><br>
      <b>I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!</b> <br>
      <br>
      <br>
      <b>My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I
        went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I
        thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.</b><br>
      <br>
      <b>I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I
        could check her balance, so I pushed her over.</b> <br>
      <br>
      <b>I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good
        Korea move.</b><br>
      <br>
      <b>I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC/AA van. The
        driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I
        thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.</b> <br>
      <br>
      <b>Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.</b><br>
      <br>
      <b>My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you
        believe that, 2:30am?!</b> <br>
      <b>Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.</b> <br>
      <br>
      <b>Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .."Blow
        that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go
        blind?"</b><br>
      <br>
      <b>My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not
        exactly my girlfriend yet.</b> <br>
      <br>
      <b>I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you
        get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She
        said she would like to come back as a cow.<br>
        I said "You're obviously not listening."</b><br>
      <br>
      <b>The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare
        for the worst. <br>
        So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.</b>
      <br>
      <br>
      <b>Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in
        London ..<br>
        Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.</b><br>
      <br>
      <b>Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her
        eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw
        the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on
        standby.</b> <br>
      <br>
      <b>The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen
        table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and
        crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through
        the change."<br>
      </b><br>
       <b>When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that
        they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft <br>
        if they knew the pilot was a woman.<br>
      </b><br>
      <b>What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to
        reverse the thing!<br>
      </b><br>
       <b>Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has
        stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the
        attacker could be following some kind of pattern.</b><br>
      <br>
      <b>Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I
        could eat it!</b> <br>
      <br>
      <b>A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea
        break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
        The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The
        foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you,
        today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."<br>
      </b><br>
       <b>Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"<br>
      </b><br>
      <b>"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick eejit !"</b> <br>
      <br>
      <b>Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit
        on the head with a tennis ball.<br>
        It was a lovely service.</b><br>
      <br>
      <b>19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many
        of you?"<br>
        Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."</b></font>
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